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March 29, 2024

Divai Brown, a 39-year-old lawyer from Harlem, has lived in Dublin for about 15 months, works in financial regulation and loves it.

“I have no immediate plans to move back to the United States,” Ms. Brown said in a telephone interview. “Maybe some other places in Europe, but definitely not back to the US.”

Despite all the good things about her move, dating in the country is no easy feat. She points to factors that make it difficult, including being a high-achieving black woman and a high-paying job that scares some men.

Until recently, she used Tinder, Hinge and Bumble. She said she always thought Tinder was less likely to lead to serious things, and that Bumble’s need for women to message first left her “without legs.”

“It’s like another job,” she said. “As much as I value friendships and relationships, I don’t know if I value them to the point of burnout.”

As the days get longer and the weather warmer, some people are opting out of dating apps — at least for now. Many of the nearly a dozen women interviewed said they were reclaiming the time they spent scrolling through dating apps during the cold winter months by prioritizing real-life encounters and focusing on having fun.

Ms. Brown recently decided to end her dating life this summer and move on to doing things she loves, like attending food and wine festivals or hiking. In the meantime, she said, she’s leaving her dating life to the “will of the universe.”

“I’m 39, I’ve never been married, I don’t have kids — I don’t know what it’s like to date someone in their 30s and 40s,” she said. “I feel like if someone is interested in me, they’ll let me know. If they’re not, they’re not.”

Atoosa Moinzadeh is also in this wave. Ms. Moinzadeh, a 30-year-old Brooklyn resident, has been using the dating app for nearly 10 years, since she first downloaded Tinder in 2014. She “tried all the apps” including Bumble, OKCupid — and even Coffee Meets Bagel really briefly. Tinder and Hinge were two of her most recent uses, but she deleted both in March after her frustrations started to mount.

“For me, if I’m actively dating a guy, it’s hard to get on stage,” Ms. Moynzad said in a phone interview. “I don’t have a problem with the game, it’s more about getting to the stage where I’m like, ‘This seems like a decent guy to meet in real life.'”

Before she deleted the app, she was talking to two people, one of whom went on a really nice date with her and then “popped out of nowhere.” Another admitted a month later that he was just not ready for serious things.

“I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was that, as someone who isn’t very into casual dating, I just keep meeting people who don’t know what they want and don’t really use it on purpose,” Moine Ms Zade said. She added that she has never had a long-term relationship as a result of online dating.

For Vinessa Burnett, a human resources program manager in Dallas, her summer without dating apps actually began in January, when she read an article about hope fatigue among longtime dating app users and was inspired to make a whole Don’t use them for a year.

“I suddenly realized, ‘Wait, I actually downloaded Tinder in 2013,'” she said in a phone interview. “So I’ve been there since the beginning and I’m still single.”

She said the article, published in The New York Times, really resonated with her because she feels hopeless and disappointed when things don’t work out for so long.

“So in order to curb the hope fatigue I was going through and take some of the anxiety out of dating that I’d gotten used to, I was like, I’m going to get off the app,” she said.

Ms Burnett, 28, has been stalking her offline since January and has dated four men, including one she met at a networking event. Another date came from a “little blunder” during which she rejoined the dating app for a day and then deleted it.

Not using the apps (most of the time) has also changed her preferences, which is a plus, she said. She is Christian but happily dates Muslims. She is 5’2″ and prefers taller men. “I don’t think I’m going to lash out at these guys,” she said. “They’re all short.”

Although Ms. Moinzadeh hadn’t used the apps for several summers, she’s considering them as a long-term plan. She plans to take a vacation this summer and plans to hang out with friends and attend concerts in her free time.

“If I meet a cool guy, cool, if not, I don’t really want to be forced to find a partner,” she said. “Because at this rate, I’m trying to find someone who is actually a good fit for me, rather than just actively looking.”


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